Tuesday, March 17, 2009

The Perfect Marriage

When I was a brand new Christian I did one of the most ungodly things I’ve ever done in my life: I posted a printed copy of Proverbs 31 on my refrigerator! You know, “The Wife of Noble Character”? Remember, I mentioned that I had no problem completely overhauling my life on any tidbit I gained from Scripture, and this was no different. I determined to be a wife of noble character like the woman in Proverbs. Okay, maybe that wasn’t really ungodly, but it sure didn’t help my walk—or my marriage. I left that on my fridge for about 6 months before I tore it down in disgust and complete defeat. I would never be the wife that God wanted me to be. At least not in 6 months! And frankly, after 12 years I’m much closer to that image than I was before, but still no where near it. Praise God that back then I never knew that I would still be so far off the mark 12 years later! I would have given up! But the little older, little wiser me has come to a different conclusion: that woman never existed! I believe that “this ideal woman” is the accumulation of all the best characteristics selected from many women. Even if she did exist, I imagine she would be so stuffy that no man would ever enjoy being married to her! Thus, NOT being the perfect wife! Really, hear me: she gets up before everyone else and stays up late at night . . . hmm . . . I am thinking of a very important duty that she is neglecting right there! A wife that is so amazing to everyone that she has no time for sex with her husband is not a good wife! And I don’t think that penciling him in at 7:15 am qualifies. At least not in my house!

I know I have some people mad at me now! But I am not speaking anything against this precious, holy passage of God breathed Scripture. I have too beautiful a love and fear of my Lord and His Word to ever do such a thing! Who I am addressing here are the literalists like me who love making lists and checking them twice. To give you some insight on my mindset I remember as a young Christian asking my pastor where the 10 Commandments of the New Testament were. Yes, I’m one of those! People like us always forget to keep the “main thing the main thing”. We get lost in tasks and “miss the forest for the trees”. I’ll think of some more clichés later, but let me show you the proverbial ‘forest’ of Christianity:

Christ died to set you free from things like this! His gifts, like marriage, are things to be enjoyed! His boundaries are not limiting, they provide guidance beyond limits and protection from the traps along the way. Enjoy God! Enjoy your husband, he is one of the most precious gifts God gives. Enjoy your wife, she is one of the most precious gifts God gives. Don’t get lost in specifics that distract you from the joy that Christianity is.

Some of the worst traps I hear are from women who want a “godly marriage” or want their husbands to be the “spiritual leaders” in the home. There’s nothing wrong with either pursuit, they are both godly endeavors, but let me ask you some questions: What does that mean? Would you even know it if you had it? and . . . What are you willing to do to get that? This, ladies, is where we forget all of our shortcomings and focus fully on his.

Let me tell you my definition of the perfect marriage: one that works! The perfect wife: one who pleases her husband and lifts him up as head of the household. Look, no one automatically knows how to be a good spouse. That is a learned skill. And being the perfect wife to your husband and being the perfect wife to my husband are two totally different wives. That’s okay! But, ladies, we have some issues here. We tend to be the most idealistic when it comes to marriage and our homes. And we tend to put ALL the responsibility of those ideals on our husbands. Yes, we do! Let me tell you how this conversation goes:

“I have given him every opportunity to be the man God has called him to be. I’m doing my part!” Women, get off it! Your high horse, I mean. We sit up there and look down at our struggling hubby and tell him when he’s ready to be a godly man we will have a godly marriage. The problem is: you don’t even know what that means. It seems to be an ever changing, enigmatic combination of characteristics and responsibilities that are different depending on the topic and our mood. If it is about the bills, we don’t want him being so attentive and authoritive, do we? And we get pretty upset should he try. And when it comes to raising the kids, we can’t imagine why someone who isn’t home all day would dare dictate to us how to raise the kids. And when it comes to managing the household, well who is he tell us anything about the household when we’re the ones who do it all day long? Then when we get tired and things blow up in our face we yell at our man for not doing his part. Do you see where he might be a little confused? The fact is, we’re confused, ladies!

Can I give you the best marital advice you will ever get? (Besides prayer and seeking God’s will for your life, I am writing under the assumption I am speaking to Christians here.) Acknowledge that you don’t know how to be the godly wife you’re supposed to be. Put Proverbs 31 on your fridge for a few months if you are not convinced of this. (If you’re still not convinced of this then I can guarantee that you are the problem in the marriage, not him!) And get down with your man, look up at him, and ask him what he needs from you to be the man God has called him to be. Then ask him what you can do to be the woman he needs you to be. Then submit to one another, find joy in serving each other, guide one another and pray for one another and you will enjoy the godly marriage He intended for you to have.

Don’t focus on having a ‘godly marriage’, or a ‘biblical marriage’ (I don’t see any examples of a good marriage in the Bible anyway, do you?). It sounds great, but because of the way our brains work, it will actually end up distracting us for what is, in fact, a godly marriage. A godly marriage comes when you put the needs of the other before your own and learn to serve one another with the gratitude and passion worthy of one of God’s greatest gifts to you. Have enough faith in God to understand what a great gift he is to you exactly as he is. And enjoy ‘growing up’ together.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Composing Discernment

In my heart of hearts, I have wanted to please my Lord more than anything. It’s funny how many ways someone like me with my ‘earn your keep’ mentality will try please God so He’ll be proud of me. I’m a passionate person with an all or nothing attitude when it comes to life. Anything else just seems dishonest. So as a damaged, hopeless, insolent and desperate young woman, “Surrender All” didn’t seem like much of a sacrifice. I would overhaul myself at any tidbit of information I found in Scripture. God started with my mouth! “No course joking” . . . no more sarcasm, got it! “If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless.” . . . I learned to be afraid to speak! And my favorite: “Even fools are considered wise when they keep their mouths shut” . . . I figured if I wasn’t wise enough to speak wisdom, I was at least wise enough to keep quiet! (Funny how so many lack this even this small amount of wisdom!) I embraced this whole-heartedly! But then I found other commandments: “Speak boldly” “Do not be intimidated by them” “You must say whatever I command you!” This was much more difficult and seemed to go completely against the first lessons I learned about being godly, but boldness was what I embraced! I cultivated boldness in the Lord and told quite a few people just exactly what was wrong with them! Just like a normal child, a child in Christ is just as sure of themselves and their awareness of the world around them; and, just like a child, is just as convinced about how stupid the adults around them are. Don’t we all wish we knew everything like we did when we were teenagers? I think all Christians go through this developmental stage just like all children. Unfortunately, not all grow out of it! But, I digress! Needless to say, life has a way of snapping us, rather abruptly, into a more humble reality. I once again fell face down in repentance for (hear me) following Godly characteristics without following God.

I have noticed this dichotomy within myself (and many others) in so many different aspects of the Christian walk. To speak or not to speak is just one of many. How about mercy and justice, bearing with one another and expel the wicked man from among you, peace and spiritual warfare, love and anger. Or even the comfort of our blessed assurance juxtaposed with our fear of the Lord and the possibility of falling from grace? These are all godly characteristics and yet they seem opposed to one another. How can that be? There are an infinite number of these so called contradictions that we place in our hearts if we pursue godly characteristics in this way. C. S. Lewis stated that there is not one of these characteristics which will not make us into devils if we set it up as the absolute guide.* Even a mother's love can cause us to be unfair toward another and is therefore an inappropriate characteristic to employ at times.

I love his analogy. He compares all these characteristics: love, anger, contentment, holy discontent, acceptance, rejection, temperance, passion, faith, suspicion, fear, courage, etc. to keys on a piano. There are no “right” or “wrong” keys on a piano. “Every single note is right at one time and wrong at another. [Godliness] is not any one instinct or set of instincts: it is something which makes a kind of tune.”* Discernment is the key to knowing which aspects of God’s character to apply in certain situations.

I have noticed I am much better at developing certain godly characteristics and applying them to every situation. Much like a carpenter who only owns a hammer: everything looks like a nail (thank you pastor Allen Jackson) I have a more difficult time of developing the spiritual discernment required to walk fully in the footsteps of Christ.

Let me share an example: I’ve always wanted the meekness and unconditional love of Christ to radiate from every aspect of my life. That was until I saw the severe consequences of my lack of vigilance in protecting a group of people God placed me in charge of. Now I see a certain level of suspicion as a godly characteristic. The temptation is to now meet every situation with suspicion out of my duty to protect, but in doing so I may possibly reject those God has called me to love out of my lack of discretion. I need to learn that one response is never the right one, but that I need the discernment of the Holy Spirit to meet each person and each situation with the response that glorifies God and advances His Kingdom! It is more difficult than knowing right and wrong. And it requires an effort in seeking God that challenges me on every level.

I noticed that even though David would defeat every army that attacked him with ease, he never even responded to an attack until he consulted God and got instruction on how to proceed. I honestly don't see myself reacting that way if I were in his place. I want that level of dependence on God so I know how to respond to every situation! Never let me set up my ideas of right and wrong over my need to seek Your face. I want the wisdom to be able to live my life in perfect harmony with my Lord, so I need His guidence to compose that discernment that leads me in rhythm with Him and his purposes. Wow! What a challenge!

*C.S. Lewis. Mere Christianity. Chapter 2

Friday, March 13, 2009

Remembering Valleys

Well, I don’t share my inmost thoughts with people very often. I’ve just noticed that everyone has their own different filters for how they perceive what’s being said, and too many people are way too eager to be offended. Also, I’m a Yankee who tends to speak in hyperbole and way too far outside the box so it isn’t difficult to send literal interpreters over the edge in a state of theological distress.

I’m looking forward to a little blog because I have been having a difficult time lately. I guess I’m more aggravated by that than anything. I am the ultimate fan of the ‘Walk it Off’ School of Counseling and here I am being dragged down by things that just seem much less significant than I have made them. It boggles my logical mind that my heart can be so idiotic at times. The reasons are irrelevant, but one thing I have noticed here in the valley is how eager I am to forget all about it when I am on the mountaintop. I am amazed at how arrogant I have been up there, looking down at all those poor souls who suffer. If only their faith was stronger, or their Bible reading better, or their prayer life more diligent! If only they would repent and turn away from whatever heinous sin they must be hiding to be in such a place. I’m not sure what sin that might have been, but I could speculate! And if I shared my concerns with my Godly brothers & sisters I’m sure we could compare notes and come up with a definite diagnosis of their failures. A tragic diagnosis, for sure, and one that is presumably contagious so when I saw them in their suffering, I must have soberly turned away, lest the image of them corrupts the mental peace and order I have on my beautiful mountaintop cathedral. Thank God, I’m not like them!

I thought I was completely clothed and highly regarded, but how naked was I in God’s eyes? A pastor once said that Christians are the only group of people who shoot their wounded. I’m afraid that is true. Not really out of malice, maybe just out of pity? Or maybe because their presence dirties the image we want to maintain. Why does our faith seem to anesthetize us toward the suffering of others and make us incapable of relating to the wounded? Shouldn’t it do the opposite? We almost look at their suffering in disbelief, as if it were so long ago, maybe even in a dream, that we were in there shoes. How do we forget the struggles of life so easily? Are we so ‘buzzed’ in our religious ideals that we can no longer feel or even acknowledge suffering in others. We meet each opportunity to serve with an apathetic demeanor and some vague statement suggesting that God will do whatever needs to be done without our passion for His purposes or His people. Those looking on see our spacey, euphoric smile and wonder if anyone’s home. I am wondering how I have misunderstood the teachings of the Holy Spirit in such a way that in my pursuit of Him that I have developed such an ungodly characteristic. Well, I repent. Just know that when your day in the valley is here, I will be someone safe that you can come to when everyone else turns away.