Tuesday, March 17, 2009

The Perfect Marriage

When I was a brand new Christian I did one of the most ungodly things I’ve ever done in my life: I posted a printed copy of Proverbs 31 on my refrigerator! You know, “The Wife of Noble Character”? Remember, I mentioned that I had no problem completely overhauling my life on any tidbit I gained from Scripture, and this was no different. I determined to be a wife of noble character like the woman in Proverbs. Okay, maybe that wasn’t really ungodly, but it sure didn’t help my walk—or my marriage. I left that on my fridge for about 6 months before I tore it down in disgust and complete defeat. I would never be the wife that God wanted me to be. At least not in 6 months! And frankly, after 12 years I’m much closer to that image than I was before, but still no where near it. Praise God that back then I never knew that I would still be so far off the mark 12 years later! I would have given up! But the little older, little wiser me has come to a different conclusion: that woman never existed! I believe that “this ideal woman” is the accumulation of all the best characteristics selected from many women. Even if she did exist, I imagine she would be so stuffy that no man would ever enjoy being married to her! Thus, NOT being the perfect wife! Really, hear me: she gets up before everyone else and stays up late at night . . . hmm . . . I am thinking of a very important duty that she is neglecting right there! A wife that is so amazing to everyone that she has no time for sex with her husband is not a good wife! And I don’t think that penciling him in at 7:15 am qualifies. At least not in my house!

I know I have some people mad at me now! But I am not speaking anything against this precious, holy passage of God breathed Scripture. I have too beautiful a love and fear of my Lord and His Word to ever do such a thing! Who I am addressing here are the literalists like me who love making lists and checking them twice. To give you some insight on my mindset I remember as a young Christian asking my pastor where the 10 Commandments of the New Testament were. Yes, I’m one of those! People like us always forget to keep the “main thing the main thing”. We get lost in tasks and “miss the forest for the trees”. I’ll think of some more clichés later, but let me show you the proverbial ‘forest’ of Christianity:

Christ died to set you free from things like this! His gifts, like marriage, are things to be enjoyed! His boundaries are not limiting, they provide guidance beyond limits and protection from the traps along the way. Enjoy God! Enjoy your husband, he is one of the most precious gifts God gives. Enjoy your wife, she is one of the most precious gifts God gives. Don’t get lost in specifics that distract you from the joy that Christianity is.

Some of the worst traps I hear are from women who want a “godly marriage” or want their husbands to be the “spiritual leaders” in the home. There’s nothing wrong with either pursuit, they are both godly endeavors, but let me ask you some questions: What does that mean? Would you even know it if you had it? and . . . What are you willing to do to get that? This, ladies, is where we forget all of our shortcomings and focus fully on his.

Let me tell you my definition of the perfect marriage: one that works! The perfect wife: one who pleases her husband and lifts him up as head of the household. Look, no one automatically knows how to be a good spouse. That is a learned skill. And being the perfect wife to your husband and being the perfect wife to my husband are two totally different wives. That’s okay! But, ladies, we have some issues here. We tend to be the most idealistic when it comes to marriage and our homes. And we tend to put ALL the responsibility of those ideals on our husbands. Yes, we do! Let me tell you how this conversation goes:

“I have given him every opportunity to be the man God has called him to be. I’m doing my part!” Women, get off it! Your high horse, I mean. We sit up there and look down at our struggling hubby and tell him when he’s ready to be a godly man we will have a godly marriage. The problem is: you don’t even know what that means. It seems to be an ever changing, enigmatic combination of characteristics and responsibilities that are different depending on the topic and our mood. If it is about the bills, we don’t want him being so attentive and authoritive, do we? And we get pretty upset should he try. And when it comes to raising the kids, we can’t imagine why someone who isn’t home all day would dare dictate to us how to raise the kids. And when it comes to managing the household, well who is he tell us anything about the household when we’re the ones who do it all day long? Then when we get tired and things blow up in our face we yell at our man for not doing his part. Do you see where he might be a little confused? The fact is, we’re confused, ladies!

Can I give you the best marital advice you will ever get? (Besides prayer and seeking God’s will for your life, I am writing under the assumption I am speaking to Christians here.) Acknowledge that you don’t know how to be the godly wife you’re supposed to be. Put Proverbs 31 on your fridge for a few months if you are not convinced of this. (If you’re still not convinced of this then I can guarantee that you are the problem in the marriage, not him!) And get down with your man, look up at him, and ask him what he needs from you to be the man God has called him to be. Then ask him what you can do to be the woman he needs you to be. Then submit to one another, find joy in serving each other, guide one another and pray for one another and you will enjoy the godly marriage He intended for you to have.

Don’t focus on having a ‘godly marriage’, or a ‘biblical marriage’ (I don’t see any examples of a good marriage in the Bible anyway, do you?). It sounds great, but because of the way our brains work, it will actually end up distracting us for what is, in fact, a godly marriage. A godly marriage comes when you put the needs of the other before your own and learn to serve one another with the gratitude and passion worthy of one of God’s greatest gifts to you. Have enough faith in God to understand what a great gift he is to you exactly as he is. And enjoy ‘growing up’ together.

1 comment:

  1. Preach it Sista Gray! This is so true, yet so painful to hear. Thanks for your perspective.

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